Monday, November 9, 2009

moving out and learning to grow up

wow i must say, i havent used this blog since like april, that is a vey long time. just havent really had time to blog or even read blogs from the girls. but somehow blogs are the way i find out abt ppl's feelings towards issues, and also how they felt abt things in associated with me. i just feel like i always find things out , especially when its related to my closest friends, though blog. I mean we have out chats and catch up , but i miss the times when we have a girls night out to just chat and talk abt stuff.

maybe it is just me? has my sensitivity gone to its max again , coz im just thinking tooo much into something small? i think its my turn to have a emo period of blogging lol. It is just sometimes i feel like i have drifted away somehow, its just an emo thinking or is it a fact, can someone pls tell me ??

It is not like i am not happy with life, i am happy to have great friends around me, great family, and a great chucky who watches out and takes care of me through these good and bad times. i just feel like i have to grow up so much faster. of course im already 21 , i should have already been able to handle things like a grown up. But i feel like i have to handle things/ issues that only grown ups have to deal with. I know i am selfish to say things like that, but it is just a comment .

Lately, just been busy with work at both places , and having to move out of my dark, gloomy yet cozy leeming house, which i have been in for 8 years..just filled with so much memories, which really make me sad having to leave this place. But i got to learn to understand that we need to move on with life at times and thats why memories are left for us to look back on and have a great smile or laugther when we think or talk abt it, even though times have been tough, there are stil the occassional bbt times with the girls, and nights out at the clubs for the drinks. and definately alot of 21st this year . It helps to relax from the tense, stressful issues faced with the mving and communication with ppl and worst of all suppliers.

However, i jsut found out today abt how i have upsetted a close friend, but i had no idea abt, i menat i should have felt it, but maybe i was just too dense to feel it, is that wat ppl think abt me?? but i have apologised o her, however, i found that sending an email isnt good enouhg, but she is on holidays at he moment, so that was the only way to apologise , however i wil lmake it up when she gets back. I just feel like i may get upset when i heard how ppl really feel abt the tihngs i do, however, if they are coming from my close friends, i think i would appreciate it more when i do learn it from them. I mean after all we are all matrue enough to talk abt how we feel to each other. i just feel like im alwyas the last to know abt my mistakes, even though i should be smart enough to figure it out at that time. but i just haev ot say, just take it that i am no a very smart person.

looking around the house, there are still so much to do , the garden, the cleaning of the whole house, but at least most of mum and dads stuff are packed and have been moved to chucks shed. the remaining is just the stationerys, just called the supplier up, so hopefully i get some good news to help us with the moving. and to ligthen the load that have been on our backs.

moving into a new room at dans is pretty exciting, but it is the first time in my life, where i have to move out and possible shrea a house with ppl we dun live with. After having my parents provide for most of the living area and settling the problems for us, i feel like for the past year or 2, having to learn to pay al the bills, and learning to finance and budget ur income and allowed me to see, that i can no longer be that lil girl that hides behind my parents.

I know i cant blame them for things that we have to go through, but one thing for sure, i can actually thank them for believing in jeral and i to handle eveything for them , and to grow up into the harsh reality of the real world.

i think i have bitched enough . but i haev to say, if i didnt have the friends i got around me, u guys know who u are , for the bbts and clubbings, i would have not been able to cope with the things that has been around me.

5 more days til chucky is back... this hitch has passed pretty fast, but i just cant wait to see him again..

love you girlies, and love you all...

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

mood swings

ahhhhaaa, my silly chucky is finally back, soo nice to have him around again. his silliness and the physical fights haha just love him!!! he just got back yday and guess what we had for dinner ..turban!!!! was yum yum

thou i was happy and excited, i was also feeling pissed off on the other hand.
yday, jeral came home from work feeling sick too, when she came home, wei happened to be over so chuck , wei and i were just talking outside, was going to go check on her after chatting to see wat she wants to eat so i can cook and to give her just some time to rest from work, but before i could do that i got a msg from brother bear , saying boss is sick and starving so asking me to cook something for her and i could earn some brownie points...when i saw that msg, i thought it was really sweet of dan , but it sorta pissed me off in the inside soo much. i dun need to earn brownies points from her...i know she is my sister, but still , i dun need the points to suck up to her or just to make her happy with me. but she did say thank you and all so i just felt the warmth and i feel bad that she is sick coz i know she has been working really hard.

anyway, it is not that i dun care abt her i do put efforts too and to take initiative to clean the house and i am trying my best to get a job asap. if she is not happy with me she can tell me but i know she will tell me off in a very bitchy tone, in which i dun really need right now. i think i have put up with alot of her bitchiness and shit, last time i would use to just shout it out , but now i know she is facing that amount of stress and pressure, i just let it be, but there is only so much someone can take, i am not totally useless , i got my own demons to face on the inside.

plus today she woke up late again so i had to drop her off at the train station, almost hit a car coz it was soo cramped up and all , and she was like" that is why i dun like turning in here , next time turn the lane before" , it is in the morning, she didnt need to sound sorta like demanding like things alwyas have to go her way just because im living under her roof now and she is paying for everything. but anyway she finished work early coz she wasnt feeling very well and she has a tv panel thing to attend at murdoch uni again so she was going to come home to take a nap before going out. on the way back she was like wat did u do today , anything? and she was like i asked you to call those placecs to collect our used clothing and soft toys have u called, but i havent so i was like nah not yet, and her response was why are u that busy that u cant call. what a fucking bitch. i dun need ppl to keep rubbing it in my face that i got alot of time on my hands and that i dun have a job.

they dun know how hard it is to be in this situation, where i literally dun have a single cent left with me, i dun think i can even afford the train tickets anymore after today. how hard it is to be counting down for the day to get that 900 bucks, hope that it would be the mail when i check it. but still i try to be on the positive side of things, as i cant be living life looking on the down side, i need to be positive and happy to feel like i cam going to make it . it is not like im going to lock myself up and not see anyone or my friends. and she doesnt need to worry that i wont share my money with her i was going to give her 400-500 from wat im going to get from the govt so it mite help out a little at least. it is not that im trying to proff that i care, but when i do something i dun need to tell her i did it, or to prove it, as long as i can help out to ligthen up certain things im willing to do.

im treating this as a test to our sisters relationship, but i know things will work out, it is n ot like we argue allt he time just her attitude, just because we call her boss doesnt mean she really is the boss, and i also dun need bin to be telling me, dun tell my boss off or like someppl just got too mch timeon their hands, and how tired they are from work , i know wat it feels like to work , it is not like im a total bum and just stay home, or like i havent worked that hard in my life before. so for once, just stop RUBBING IT IN MY FACE!!!!

i know ppl who have told me, "its okay ur bf can look after you" chuck is a really sweet guy who have offered numerous time his help but when it is financial issue, it is not very nice after all , plus i dun want him to enter into this problem, , coz it is way too out of hand. but i really do appreciate him more and more thou he may be so clueless at times , he is slowly becoming part of my support that holds me up besides my family and friends.

i guess im feeling like this to the smallest things its coz im also frustrated with myself . but once i let it out whether it is verbally or just typing it out, just makes me feel ligther in some ways im just having another winge. lalalalalala random mood swings....

get well soon to ppl who are still feeling sick..take med and rest heaps!!


Sunday, April 5, 2009


YEAH!! finally got the weekly dose of bbt hang out, it is now a habit , every week i guess, we need to have one of those bbt catch up , thou it is mostly at the same place, it is the company that i enjoy the most =p girls and the goss... LOL...

well well lets see the weekend, didnt do as much thou , just had renee's 21st at the brass monkey on fri night so jsut went with lb, lbs dress soo cute, i liked it haha, but we didnt stay very long, it was still fun thou , renee renee renee wat can i say , she is still the same crazy as ever. but it was soo good to see her again!!!! NUGGIES!!!

after that, we went to pick jas up to head to makan makan for drinks, but stupid place closed when we got was suppose to close at 12.30 not 11.30 lol. but lucky it was fri so just headed back to northbrdige and hung out at famossa, timmy and jas ate like the fried rice and noodles *looks soo yum yum * lb and i just had least the fries there was not a ripped liek those at utopia. talked abt everything again , and somehow it linked back to the talk of ghostly encounters..hehe after just dropped jas home, on the way back to her place..haha we had the experience of jas' fart* which must be the smae as the one she did in that eng exam* haha soo funny jas...and it doesnt smell like borewater =p=p=p LOL it was soo funny at least she did warn us hahahah i tell you the laugther kept going even after jas went home, lb was like crying haha and my jaws were soo sore ..

sat night, was suppose to have that bbt meeting with the girls, but then got cancelled, anyway headed down to metros with my crazy bitaches * shirley and V*, needed to get out of the house, and soo needed those drinks, *thou it was in the car n it was vodka again =(* at least i got that rejction mode out of my system now, back to normal!!!!! hehe, it was pack thou at metros, which was good i guess but we saw soo many ppl there, and to no surprise we met shirley's and mine "fav" friend. wahahahh u girls would know who... my toes were sore thou ...i think next time i should just wear my man whore

and sundya, didnt even do anything woke up and the house was empty so just lazy and went to church , but none of the family went...its cool at least there was melvin..hhaha someone to talk too during church lol.. then was cooking my "awesomeness" dinner when jas msged to say she and evy was at bbt, so i was like okok COOK PORRIDGE COOK!! haha finally got down there and had an great time, like always, just talked abt everything, haha amas reaction to stuff is soooo funny!!! but she had to leave early to go home, just contiune talking to evilboi and jas.. laughed so hard again haha cuz we were telling evy abt that silly's boy reaction to the crabs and fishes when we went crabbing the last time.. haha

i feel liek we hvae grown up coz i feel like adults sometimes when we have these gat together and talk , it is good thou coz i feel i get to learn more bat my friends, and abt how other ppl see same issues we all go thru. after that just drop evy home...hehe her sprinklers were on ,haha it washed part of my car haha.. just went over to uncle wei's house haha, watched max payne and drank a little of jim bean ... then just checked out stuff and i went back to slp...

its finally mon...silly boy is coming back YEAH!!!!! it mite sound sorta werid but i do miss the fighthings with him haha , i will have to work more on my "muscles" so just cant wait til lb, ama, and jas finish with their mid sems and report then we can have movies and that steamboat party!!!!
its gonna be fun i know it hahah..

good lucks to u girls with mid sems and reports....fri will be here soon!!!!

take care and to those who are not feeling well get well soon!!!

Friday, April 3, 2009

Not again..=(

What can i say?!?!?! i got rejected again=( soo sad and depressing huh. i thought i was pretty confident with this but then again , it is not up to me to make the final choice now is it. when the phone ring, i think it would be the call im waiting for, but it is not, i have to say i think this has really put me in the depression mood.

i think i have gone on with this topic enough times for ppl to get bored, i just need to keep looking, i was told a guy did a survey he got 2000 rejections but he got 50 jobs in 50 weeks, im not even up to the 700 rejection s yet so its okay.. i will keep telling myself that lol.

well today totally forgot to msg lb last night til she msged today , soo sorry hey lb, it totally slipped off my mind that the birthday party is tonight . but today i have just been in this really cant be bothered mood, EARTH TO JEN EARTH TO JEN!!!!! time to come back here. was chatting to jas and evy today, thanks jas for listening to my emoness talk haha, and evy she is just into cleaning like me haha , we have to start that crazy group and she is my first loyal customer if i ever start a cleaning service.

i have sat the whole to apply for jobs, i swear i have applied for jobs some related, some random and some just totally out of the talk but we shall see, if pl out there can do it so can i!!! KEEP GOING!!!!! i will say this to everyone, at the moment just wait for the money the govt is goign to give out is April already, that means we will receive it soon.. finally something positive and relieving.

i have been thinking should i go out or lock myself at home, locking myself home to prevent me from spending any money is good, but it is driving me nuts on the inside, i need to talk to ppl . if i continue doing this i thin k i will lose myself to this invisible vacuum that surrounds me.

tick tock tick tock...2 more days... and he is back, i guess he would be happy to know im still being an umeplyed bum so he wont be alone from mon to fri haha lalal and that means ama steamboat party draws closer..hehe something to look forward too.. long weekend party!!!!

well now just waitin to see wats for dinenr then will call lb and see wat is going on to get to renees bday party at the brass monkey!! this makes me think, wat should i do for mine ?!??! better start gathering ideas from you ppls =p

til the next" interesting" day of jen hahaha

Thursday, April 2, 2009

back again....

im finally back to blogging again, stupid thing i finally remembered my password to log in. lol
well well but then again i got nothing much to blog. everday is the same just stay home, and make myself like a prisoner. lol

just went for a 2nd round interview today, i hope that i can get that job, *fingers crossed* however, is due to experience circumstances and i dont get the job, then i really wish i can get a job soon. it is getting to my head for everything, the money issue to the job stability issue, i just dun want to keep having to reply on someone. so used to getting an income into my account, without it, im just lost and confused. however, this job hunting process does put your into slight depression and unmotivated mood. it is a tough world, but im starting to miss the life i use to have where i could go out with my friends without having to worry and could go out on the weekend without having to think twice.

but then again, everyone will have to experience this sort of poverty in their life to grow and understand life better and to learn to treasure money. but im ready ages ago to get out of it, just one job even if it is another retail job i dun mind til i get the job i want. why is it so hard ?!?!? i mean i am not totally unhappy with life now, not that i got all my friends, my family and chuck who is there to support me whenever i am in trouble. i guess it is more of a personal question and quest to find myself back again.

once i get a job at least i feel a sense of security , i can hel out with the debts and i dun have to feel like i own ppl money. with a job , time would pass faster too, this time around the 3 weeks felt like forever, i guess coz im not as busy as i would be if i got a job, but at least just another 3 days and he would be back =p

just spoke to mum and dad on the phone, i feel sad for them and i feel their agony. why are they going thru so much when other ppl who were in similiar shoes could get that pr so easily, and how long more do they have to go thru this tough times til things can be settled down?? questions keep poppping in my head, but answers doesnt seem to appear. sometimes i do have the feeling that i need to break down and cry it out, but it seems i think i ran out of tears already haha i tihnk i have done that too many times, but mum never fails to run out of tears. so many things going through my head buti really hope that i would be able to answer them slowly.

at the moment, i just wish chuck was back, to be here, to add to the support( thou i know i got the family, lbs, the girls ) but still i guess coz its just him and somehow his cuddles makes me feel things will be okay, and it will work out. soon enough..soon enough.

i ran this quote which really makes me feel i can contiune striving .
" We should never let our fears hold us back from pursuing our goals"
therefore, i should not let the fear of rejection, depression stop me from being strong to keep stiriving to get where i want to be eventually.

til the next blog , take care ppls..

Monday, February 2, 2009


FEB!!!! so fast we are into the 2nd month of the new year, however, it just doesnt feel that time is ticking pass every min and every sec. The weather has been driving me nuts for all i can see, it is hot and humid and sweaty =p eeeeeee, and it is giving me the worst headaches i ever have. It just really makes me in a really short tempered mood.

chucky has gone back to work this morning, wont see him for like 3 and the half weeks coz i will be in sg taking the IELTS english test. After that test then i will be able to actually start working without having to worry abt the week break i need to tell at all interviews.

Do i seriously look like a bum or something? i know i mite be lazy and get around to things slowler then normal now that i am UNEMLOYED!! but that doesnt mean i am a bum and i am just leeching off jeral for everything. Do you think it feels right to be getting money off her, while she handles everything, she wants to handled everything, but still that does not mean she is the boss of me. They think that i am jsut lazying around everyday, well it has only been like a 1 week or so and im just spending time with chucky for all that time that i had sacrisfy, just give me a break , i know i cant compare to jearl and everything she will always have the worst experince in everything , but afterall i am human too, and i too get distracted , ifthey can honestly tell me none of them has gotten distracted and stuff they can just prove to me and rub it in my face, but if they cant DUN FUCKING MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT!!!!

it is not like i am not feeling shitty already. And worst of all i dun know that face that i get from her when she is in a bitchy mood or something, if she carrying all the load at the moment and all but that doesnt not mean she has the right to give me the attitude too, once in a while fair enough after all she needs to let it out, but now that dan is back at least she got someone to go towards to. Even so i dun need to be givening the feeling that i am the most useless person in the world.... FUCK OFF!!!!!!

Ok i mite not be the best person at preparing stuff too but she doesnt need to make it seem like everything i do it just so bad, i am not saving and blah blah blah, just because she wants things to go her way. and ppl mite call her boss, but still she needs to know that she aint really the boss in the end.

cmon i dun think either one of us all deserve watever is happening right now. Are we being punished for something that we might have done, or is this just the way our life is gonna turn out to be. I find it really sad things has to be the way they are now. Everytime im angry, as long as he comes over i feel ike everything is gonna be okay just because he is there.. OH MY GOD!!!! im becoming a mush...not good.. =p

i just hope that the opportunity will appear soon , and that things will start to get back on track.

my head is killing me now!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Happy Birthday Mum..

happy birthday mum. best wishes for everything and hope that everything will get better in due time =)

Time flies pass you without you realising it. Have you ever wondered how to stop time from ticking pass or even to stop it at all?!?! It is an impossible thing but everyone has had the feeling where time just doesnt seem to be ticking pass at all- especially when u really want to get out of a certain situation or place. I think that there is not enough hours in one day. Like if one day had like 36 hours instead of 24 maybe it mite make a difference or something. I hope that this new year will actually bring a change about to most of the things around us. I really want to get another job other then just being stuck here. I want to be able to earn that income again , i dun care if it is a second or thrid job, i just want to get one soon.

Right now im just so confused to what is going to happen, are they coming back or is this it? Everything is just going to be like that and that we will have endless headaches on bills , rents and countless calls to settle everyday. to live in a fear of opening the leter box or post box , just because nothing good ever comes in that mail , unless its a cheque or something. To have the phsycially wearing 7 day job that never comes to an end, one that screws up all the possibilities of working during the day in a place where the income is stable and consistent. Sometimes i really dream that if everything was right to start with, what sort of situation would we be in right now? but i know for sure that is wouldnt be the situtation right now. However, we are just human after all, and everyone makes mistakes, some bigger then the other and some mistakes just stick with you and last a lifetime.

One can only dream abt having the perfect life. There is no such thing as the perfect life, even if it does exist , there is always something more behind it. I am not asking for alot, i just want everything to come to an end, or settlement. so maybe i can start my own career and start something new. but then again, it is so hard to get a job now, every full time job asks for a minimum requirement of 2 years experience, but if no one is given the chance how are we suppose to gain that 2 years experience. I just want to start somewhere. Everyone around who is graduating has a job with a firm, it does put an invisible layer of pressure on me as to why it is so hard for me to get one. I know some certain factors of it, but i guess , if it is meant to be its meant to be. And i have to say that applies to winning the lotto too. I jsut want to win a small amount, just enough to settle this shit and get over with it.

It is time to grow up and open my eyes to see the harsh reality of working life. The problems of everyday life is the challenage that makes us understand the meaning of life and the main factor in allowing someone to mature . I just hope that the dark and misty path im taking will soon be lit with some sunshine and light, so as i can see where i am heading and walking towards, but no matter how dark the path is, i know i always have ppl around me to push me through.

" One step at a time"is what i tell myself. But i came across this phrase that i reckon applies to everyone and i would like to share it.

" Now and then, its good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy" .

take care everyone. xoxoxo